I'm watching

Grab a hanky and read along....

I know I already posted today...twice. But there is just a lot going on in my mind at this moment that I need to get out. But unlike most of my post, this probably won't be so fun loving. Mom - don't read this at work...And if anyone else is hormonal (like me right now), don't read it. You will cry I promise. Sorry, to make you do that. But its just what's going on with me right now.

I just finished watching the episode of Grey's Anatomy from last night. Wow. I swear I cried for the last 10 minutes. Izzie's cancer hits home to begin with...and that episode for some reason just stabbed me right in the heart. My dad died 5 years ago on the 1st of this month, from melanoma that spread to his lungs and brain, and eventually the tumors in his brain are what he died from. They gave him a few weeks to live after they found the cancer, and he didn't even make it that long. So, last week as a tough one for that. Not a day goes by that I don't look at my daughter and wish that he was here with us. I know those two would get along so great. I do know he's here though, in spirit. He sees her, and plays with her, but she will never know her Grandpa. The fun loving man, with a loud voice, but a soft heart. I catch myself doing things that he did, like taping on the door instead of knocking and it just makes me smile. Call me crazy but I really believe he's the angel in the corner when shes staring at the wall laughing...So every since Izzie was diagnosed, this story like has just really struck me.

So, I've been crying over all that...

I recently started to follow another photography blog who is a husband and wife team, who I went to high school with (although I only knew the husband in high school.) The most recent post on the day I started to read it, was about this little boy named Johnathan. He was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive brain tumor last April, and after a year of surgeries and treatment, his parents made the decision to stop putting him through treatment after treatment, and let him enjoy what time he had left without being constantly sick. (Click here to read more about Jonathan and his parents brave struggle.) I am not sure of his age, but he can't be more than a few years old. I just could not imagine, nor do I want to, the strength that it took his parents to make that decision, even though I feel it was the right one. I had to stop and pray before I even finished reading his story. The strength and faith that God placed upon his parents is amazing. This precious little boy, lost his fight with cancer early yesterday morning, and I just continue to pray that God be with his family in their time of grief and loss.

Then there's that...

My mother was diagnosed with Leukemia at the end of last year,however the first signs of the cancer were found well before that. After losing my dad to cancer 4 years before, I really didn't know if and how I could go through it again. At the time we first found out about the cancer, I was still pregnant, and could not figure out how I would get through my daughter's life without my mom, so I just knew that she would make it through it. She had to. For me, for her, and for Kyndall. Several months later, we are towards the end, if not already there!! She's made it through 6 rounds of chemo since December, and actually GAINED weight! I would say that's excellent progress! At her last visit, her doctor found that the cancer that was in the bone in her shoulder and knee was gone, and that her blood levels were looking good. She still has to go back for another PET scan, as well as another bone marrow biopsy before she gets the all clear, but she's doing great, and feeling great. So, this Mother's Day, we are going to have to celebrate her life and health as well!!! She's an incredible woman, and although I didn't realize it until I got older (as most teenagers don't, right?) and even more incredible mother. I love you, Mom.

Ok, and there is one more part to this pity party...

This will be my first official Mother's Day. For 3 years, Mother's Day was always kind of hard for me. I wanted to be a mom so bad, yet it just wasn't happening for us. Every Mother's Day I would tell myself that maybe this time next year, I would be a mother. Well, its finally here. Last Mother's Day, I was around 30 something weeks pregnant, and so anxious and looking forward to the next year when she would be here, and I would officially be a "mother". I still just can't believe that I'm a Mommy, and that I finally get to celebrate a Mother's Day. After all of the things that have been on my mind the past few days, I have just been so overwhelmed when I look down at Kyndall, and how fast she's growing. Those gorgeous blue eyes, that sweet grin with the little dimple on her right side, her deep laugh that shakes her whole little body.

Moral of the depressing, I-now-want-to-go-drink-a-bottle-of-wine post? (which I didn't actually realize had one until the end)

No matter the losses, or the pain. God is Good. He gives us what He knows we need, and puts us through what He has to to make us the people we are. I know I'm a different person for all that I've been through the past few years. And while I don't say it enough, God has worked through me, and continues to. He shows new miracles each day, even though it may take some time before I see them. But I do see them. I'm watching God. Keep it up! :)

I'm off to eat some cookie dough, and have a glass of wine.