Ok...its official...I'm back (and a little crazy)

Well, maybe not crazy, as just needing some help...After months of hiding denying that anything was wrong, and thinking that I would get better on my own, I finally saw a doctor about some of the things I had been dealing with. Just a complete feeling of being overwhelmed, not caring about the "little" things like bills, and chores, (my husbands feelings), just feeling very anxious anytime I was out with Kyndall - that she would cry, or fuss and I wouldn't be able to help her - (which has never happened, being that she's an excellent baby when out and about). I don't sleep at night because I am just waiting for her to wake up and need me, which again, she hardly ever does...All of these things and my lack of caring, or giving up, had lead Dustin and I to a rough patch in our marriage, and I can only pray that its God's will that we get through this. This is mostly due to these feelings and thoughts so I decided to finally "man" up and see a doctor. And she told me what I had really known all along...I had a classic case of PPD, or Post-Partum Depression. While, I'm nothing like some women with it who don't feel for their child, or want to harm them though....just to make that clear! :) I'm actually the complete opposite, I'm so into my daughter that nothing else matters. Not my husband, not our bills, not a clean house, not sleep...I'm have to make sure that she's 100% ok, all the time. Which I'm sure is any Mom, but mine seems to bring me to such an axiety, that I feel I'm always on edge, and always on the verge of a panic attack.

I can say that the medicine I'm on has made me feel so much clear headed, and I've even gotten a few good nights of sleep. My mind for so long (since I got pregnant) has just been a jumbled mess. I know that some of it is normal, but I just felt like mine wasn't. People noticed in just watching me day to day, that something was wrong, yet I couldn't admit to it. I could list all of the dumb things I did (or do), but it would be so long! You'd give up on reading it half way through! I used to be so organized, now I'm just a complete scatterbrain, unless its dealing with Kyndall of course. Her clothes are always done, her room is always clean, her closet is always highly organized, along with her drawers, diaper bags, toys, etc. But the medicine has gotten me off the couch. Back to cooking, and cleaning and taking care of ME and my HUSBAND, and not just Kyndall. There's time to take care of all of us, and I know that. I've known that. I just didn't want to. I wouldn't shower for a few days because I didn't want to leave her that long, or really just get off the couch. I wouldn't do laundry until we absolutely had nothing else to wear, not because there wasn't time, but just because again, I didn't have energy, or want to get off the couch. The doctor also attributes a lot of this to me not sleeping, I have never slept well, but I used to be fine on 4-5 hours a sleep a night. Now, I'm getting less than that, but I'm no longer fine on it. I have headaches daily, which are also part of the depression and not sleeping. I have noticed that the few days I got a good nights sleep, I was genuinely happy, and had a great day the next day...but its still a struggle to get myself to sleep, I'm working on it though!

So, why am I putting this out there for the whole world, and everyone I know to read???? I just want people to know that they aren't alone, I know that I can't possibly be the only person I know that's either dealing with this, or has dealt with it. But no one talks about it, or instead of getting help, they try and deal on their own. I've learned the hard way, that just makes things worse. I'm hoping that my marriage will survive this, and at the same time, I will come out a better person and a better Mom. But only time will tell. Looking back I just wish that I would have taken care of this 6 months ago, and maybe things wouldn't have fallen apart so bad.